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Respond vs. React: How to Dramatically Decrease Your Unhealthy Stress Response

Respond vs. React: How to Dramatically Decrease Your Unhealthy Stress Response

Do Well by You, Stress Management

[edited video transcript]

Respond or React? How your approach impacts your self-care.

What would you say if I told you that I felt that self-care is just as much about what you do for yourself is how you respond to what’s going on around you?

If you think about it, it makes sense that your mindset has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself.

But a lot of times, it’s not one big thing that can derail your day. Instead, it’s likely small little daily interactions that can build up and really be detrimental to you. Basically, regardless of how much you meditate or practice yoga, emotional uproars can negate all the good things you’re trying to do for yourself.

Changing my Interaction: Inspired by Kiddo Tantrums

The concept of Respond vs. React really hit my radar one day when my seven-year-old and I were getting her ready for school.

We were just rolling through the morning when we hit a ‘brick wall’ as she refused to put her shoes on. At first, it wasn’t clear why… I just knew she was whining and unhappy. I was about to loose my mind when I finally deciphered that her socks had been hurting her feet when her shoes were on. She was extremely upset and we were going to be late for school.

My initial reaction might’ve been, “come on, dude, let’s get the flip out of the house. I got things I need to do and you need to get to school.” (all of course, with a stressed out and irritated tone)

Instead, I stopped myself for a second. I told myself, she really is in pain, let me reframe this and see how I could help her. So I looked at the clock and at this point we were going to be late to school. So I said softly, “You know, sweetie, let me help you. We’re going to be late to school. We’ll just deal with that when we get there, but let’s fix your feet.”

She actually needed a little bit of a pedicure and needed a bandage on one of her toes. Then, we flipped her socks inside out. So the seam ridge in those damn socks wasn’t bugging her foot anymore.

Sure, we ended up being late for school. (a first for her) Instead of dwelling on the upcoming tardy slip line, we talked about how we’ll see different cars that morning and how she’d get to say ‘hello’ to the school office people.

Carrying the Stress Beyond the Respond vs. React Moment

Yes, I got my little one out of the house and made light of how our morning would be different. That alone was a win, but my decision to respond vs. react paid dividends as I move throughout my day.

How often have you experienced a bad interaction that got your heart racing and head spinning? Then, carried the stress (and anger) from it for the next few hours; feeling completely like crap. I reflected on that after my crazy kiddo morning. If I’d blown-up at her to get out the door, I would have wrecked my morning and felt soooooo terrible. Instead, we had a fun little morning together and I felt great.

And that is worth its weight in gold. Like it’s felt better than, you know, leaving the spot with a hundred dollar facial is because I had a smile on my face. I felt better. And my response was just the best way it could have handled myself care. And it turned my day around. And it’s kind of interesting is if I’ve left in that stress,

I bet you an hour from then, I would have been craving chocolate or I would have been craving chips because it sends your body into a stress response mode.

So the way you respond or react to your world sends you into a mode that makes you think, and I’ve talked about this before, where you’re being chased by a tiger and your body’s like, holy crap, she’s upset. She’s scared something’s going on. And it floods your system with cortisol and all your other stress hormones go up and your body’s like ready to fight. And when it does that, it says, oh, I better buck up and get ready for this fight. I want sugar. I want fat. I want salt. And that’s where your munchies come in when you’re in a bad mood.

So if you can respond the right way in the beginning, part of that, not only does it help your self care just from a mental standpoint, but through the day, you’re less likely to make really bad food choices, because you’ve been able to mitigate that stress response and that anger and the bad feeling early on and that’s priceless. So hopefully that helps.

And you’ll start thinking about instead of reacting, responding, and taking care of yourself and perhaps a new way. So I’d love to hear what you think about it. Give me comments below and I’ll see you soon. Take care.

How’s Your Me Time? My Shocking Realization that Mine Sucked

How’s Your Me Time? My Shocking Realization that Mine Sucked

So, really... How's your me time? Now, let's be serious here. Tell me the truth. How often do you take breaks for yourself? Breaks that are 100% for you. Not just driving your kid to soccer or driving yourself to work. When do you truly take breaks for yourself? Then,...

How’s Your Me Time? My Shocking Realization that Mine Sucked

How’s Your Me Time? My Shocking Realization that Mine Sucked

Do Well by You

So, really… How’s your me time?

Now, let’s be serious here. Tell me the truth. How often do you take breaks for yourself? Breaks that are 100% for you. Not just driving your kid to soccer or driving yourself to work. When do you truly take breaks for yourself? Then, do you actually feel guilty just even thinking about taking me time?

That’s an important question that us moms tend to avoid. We’re so focused on taking care of everyone else, that we get neglected. So with that, have you had your “Oh, crud, where the heck did I go moment?”

My Shocking Blast of Me Time Awareness

I had my ‘oh crud’ moment about a year-and-a-half ago. It was really transformative.

I was in the middle of a solo roadtrip, where I like recording voice memos to myself. As I was recording ideas for a general stress management program I was building, my mind wandered over to how moms are impacted by stress. It hit me on how much moms need to handle on a daily basis, yet don’t truly get the support they need to take care of themselves in order to mitigate the impact of stress.

This cry-session truly helped me realize my mission shouldn’t be around general stress management, but to be around helping working moms create more me time. At the end of the day, we’re not getting enough. Below is a paraphrase of my cry session. If you want to hear the live recording, it’s in the video above.

“…Once you become a mom, you’re no longer a woman, you’re a mom.  You put your kids, your husband and everything else in your life first.”  “…And you’re the one that’s supporting everybody else, while you’re damaged; losing being a woman. Because that’s one of the roles that’s gone. There’s a lot of beauty in the roles that moms get to do. Yet, we are losing our own sense of beauty.”

Why Spa Days Won’t Help Your Self-Care Quota

After my cry session, my sweet hubby may have suggested I take some time at the spa to ‘get it together.’ Yet, a one-fell-swoop strategy won’t help regulate my need for nurturing self-care.

I hate to break it to you, a spa visit or a yoga retreat (no matter how wonderful those things are) are not going to be your long-term solutions to truly carving out more me time.  You need regular me time breaks during each day so you can be the best version of yourself in all the roles in your life.

And at the end of the day, that’s the most important thing here. You need quick, scheduled breaks each day that let you get off the crazy train that we tend to live on a regular basis. Just for a moment, take time to breathe, take time to reconnect with yourself. Take time to think about what the heck is stressing you out that day and how to clear that off your plate.

Image of woman at the spa

Finding Your Me Time Moments

So where do you start? You’ve now realized crud, I need to do something about this. Yet, I know it can be overwhelming.

Are you thinking, “I don’t have enough time or ready to even think about sometimes brushing my teeth at night. How am I going to find more me time in the day? Like you gotta be kidding me.”

Step 1: Own It

You’d be surprised how simple it can be to find more time for you. The first thing you want to do is own it. Truly understand and embrace the fact that you’re not taking care of yourself as a mom. Sometimes that can be really hard because we grow up learning and knowing that we’re there to help take care of people. And as women, that’s our nurturing role and an essential part of who we are. But, you can’t forget to take care of yourself.

Step 2: Carve Out Time

Next, you want to strategically carve out time. I’m not saying two hour chunks every day. Try to eventually get yourself to three 15 minute breaks that are me time oriented. Whether it’s doing some watercolor, reading a book, sitting in the corner and staring at the wall… sometimes all we really need is just a flipping break. Right?

You want to look for moments in the day that you can help carve out strategically for yourself. Look at your calendar and ask, “Where can I steal 15 minutes here, 15 minutes there.” It’s actually not even stealing. It’s just being smart and being able to create that time for yourself.

Step 3: Start Small, Make it Fun

There are a lot of ways you can find more me time moments, but just start… start really small (and keep it fun.)

Where I started was finding an extra 15 minutes in the morning. I spent time exercising, meditating, preparing for the day. I loved this quite time alone. The funny thing is I found a way to make my morning routine stick. Then, we got a puppy. So that kind of blew-up my schedule. Yet, I’ve been able to find moments in the morning, even with our new puppy where I can just think and chill.

I use my 15 minute me time breaks throughout the day to check-in with myself. I like to see where I might need some ‘tune-ups’ in terms of how things are going for me.

Also, I try to make me time as fun as possible. I love arts. I love to watercolor. So I’ve put together just this really quick and easy water color set for myself. That includes paper, paint and a super cool pen with water inside. So, I just have to pull it out, take 15 minutes. Even if I’m just, watercoloring a couple circles, it really makes a difference.

At the end of each day, I like to take time for a face mask or something simple for my skin.

Most importantly, you can start small, start with one little 15 minute chunk of time and you’re golden. And then just add on to that.

Step 4: Be Kind to Yourself

There are going to be days where you just can’t fit me time in. Simply think about why you’re unable to get that extra time. Why you’re not taking care of yourself. Come up with ideas of how you can fix that in the future. Adjust your day, adjust your schedule. Make sure that, just as importantly as you prioritize getting a work project done or getting your kid’s lunch packed in the morning, your also planning time for yourself.

 

Those four steps are how I’ve been able to proactively add more me time into each day. Some days are great, others can get out-of-hand and fall short in the self-care arena. Yet, just being aware, carving out time, keeping it small and being kind to yourself will make such an impact on how you can improve your self-care.

Be Well,
Nichole

How’s Your Me Time? My Shocking Realization that Mine Sucked

How’s Your Me Time? My Shocking Realization that Mine Sucked

So, really... How's your me time? Now, let's be serious here. Tell me the truth. How often do you take breaks for yourself? Breaks that are 100% for you. Not just driving your kid to soccer or driving yourself to work. When do you truly take breaks for yourself? Then,...